We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
