I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
