im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize