His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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