Don't make out with my wife yet
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
