GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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