My first STD was from a foam party
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
