i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
