i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
