My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
