Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
