This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
You left your phone here
Wait...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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