I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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