Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
