Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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