So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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