the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
cat food counts as protein by the way
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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