I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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