Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
