So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize