I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
