his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
