Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
