he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
