Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
