I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
