Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
