Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
