Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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