so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
