ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
