The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
