When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
