mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
