Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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