I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
PANTIES FOUND
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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