Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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