if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
