We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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