While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize