well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize