Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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