I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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