y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My vagina just clenched in fear
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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