i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
PANTIES FOUND
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