Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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