Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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