My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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