On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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