Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
