my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
