don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
