What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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