I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
