508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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