she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
