my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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