Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
