I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
