That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
