fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We have started to decorate penises.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
