i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Are we still banned from the library?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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