Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
