I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
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