If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
