You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
