i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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