someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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