guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
