After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
