i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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