So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
