I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
