Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Sober January is a disaster.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
