We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize