He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
