clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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