in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize