ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
