Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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